


یکی بود یکی نبود

by myoldfriend



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-05-23 13:46:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14935412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myoldfriend/pseuds/myoldfriend
Summary: An AU where Adena and Kat meet in college in NYC, and Adena is an international student.





	1. تا شروع شد قصمون

The very first day of every semester is crucial in college; everyone is out on a mission. A mission to make themselves heard by the professor, a mission to lay low and cruise by unseen, a mission to talk to the most good looking person in class, or a mission to walk through campus with a bitch face and not be approached. Kat opts for the last one since Jane and Sutton are not in any of her classes this semester; there is no reason to look approachable.

Kat doesn’t mind that her school has a Women and Gender Studies requirement, but she’s upset that she has to take this stupid introduction class all alone because Jane and Sutton’s schedules don’t match up. She’s upset that her professor is absolutely incompetent. She’s upset that this class is not teaching her anything new. She’s upset that she’s stuck in a room full of oblivious freshmen and frat boys who won’t stop mansplaining. But, the one thing she’s not upset about is the fact that Adena El-Amin is in this class.

They were sitting next to each other the very first day of class, both front and center in front of their professor. Kat had her laptop out to take notes, but really had her messages open so she could complain to Jane and Sutton if the class was boring.

“Okay, turn to a partner and introduce yourself and let’s start with these questions…” the professor clicked to a different slide. Kat tried to decide whether to turn to her right to the girl with the disheveled pink hair and the unicorn sticker on her laptop, which screamed “freshman,” or the girl to her left wearing a deep red hijab.

 She quickly made her decision, turning her chair around and sticking her hand out, “Hi, I’m Kat.”

 The girl in the red hijab looked up, smiling at Kat before taking her hand, “Adena, nice to meet you.”

 

After the first few classes the two of them very quickly realize that the class is a joke, and either of them could teach it in their sleep. The professor relied on making them do presentations, occasionally giving them some articles to read. She pushed group work, and class discussion. Kat and Adena quickly realize that this class was going to be an easy A.  
  
“Okay, so talk with a partner about...” Kat wouldn’t even let the professor finish before turning to face Adena. They would often start off with the question, and then talk about something else, usually about how much they could actually be learning in a WGS class. They would end up talking about their other classes. Kat learns that Adena is a photography major, and a WGS minor.

 Part of Kat is surprised, she’s doesn’t expect Adena to be a photographer. Adena laughs and asks, “Why not?”

 Kat shrugs, “I don’t know, artists usually have this disheveled look about them, but you always look so good.”

 Adena laughs harder at this, Kat finds herself giggling too. “Well I guess I should take that as a compliment then?” Adena asks.

 “Yes, you absolutely should,” Kat says nodding.   
  
Kat just knows that Adena always looks good. She knows this as an objective fact. There hasn’t been a day yet where Adena doesn’t come into class smelling like sweet perfume, her make up always expertly applied, her hijab always a different color, and sometimes pinned up in a different style.

Kat knows that Adena doesn’t look or act like the group of art students who wear thrifted jeans even though they can afford their own, ill fitting shirts, have outdated haircuts, and are perpetually smoking their own hand rolled cigarettes outside of the main campus building despite the very clear “no smoking” sign. Kat imagines Adena walking around with a camera slung over her shoulder, she thinks it’s fitting. But Kat can’t see Adena on the overcrowded and narcissistic streets of the city, she imagines Adena somewhere beautiful, taking pictures of beautiful things.

Kat tells her that she’s a media studies major. Adena is impressed, “Can I ask what you’re going to do with that degree?” she asks cautiously. Kat shrugs at the question, it doesn’t affect her the way it does other college students, the dreaded “what are you gonna do?” question.

“I’m not stressing myself thinking about that right now, I’m just really enjoying my classes and hopefully something will work out when I graduate.”   
  
Adena raises her eyebrow, “How refreshing” she says, “usually people end up telling me their 5 year plan.” 

“Yeah” Kat nods, “Trust me I know, my friend Jane is incredibly Type A” she says rolling her eyes, “I love the girl to death, but she’s got the rest of her career planned out, and I can’t live like that.”

Adena nods, “No, I agree…” she’s about to continue when the professor calls the class back together.

“Okay so now that we’ve had a few classes to get acquainted with one another I’m going pass around the sign up sheet for the presentations that we’ll have for the rest of the semester. You guys can partner up in pairs or trios if you want…”

Kat drowned out what the professor was saying after that. She turned her look at Adena, raising her eyebrow and jutting her chin towards the professor, silently asking Adena if she wants to partner up. Adena gives her a quick wink and nods quickly before turning back to listen to their professor.

“Okay, thanks everyone, I’ll see you on Thursday” The professor says at the end of class, and everyone is scrambling to get out. Kat has noticed that Adena does not scramble, she is always calm and purposeful in her actions. She closes her notebook, tucks her pen in the spine of the book, and places it into her bag. Kat, on the other hand, slips everything in her bag and stands by Adena’s desk.

“So, um I think we might have to meet outside of class to work on this presentation, or maybe split the work and then practice over the phone if you want?” Kat asks, as Adena zips her bag up, lifting it onto her shoulder.

“We should meet and work on it, I’m horrible over the phone. What’s your schedule like?” Adena asks as she and Kat start making their way towards the door, the rest of their class long gone. The hallway is filled with students as they move to their next class, but Kat and Adena loiter outside the room.

“This is actually my last class on Thursdays, and I’m free for the rest of the day; other than that my week is packed with classes and my internship” Kat says.

“Oh perfect, I have like a three hour break between this class and my next on Thursdays” Adena says in relief, “Sometimes it’s so hard to match schedules up.”

Kat nods, “I know what you mean. Perfect, so are we good to meet this Thursday?”

Adena nods, “Yeah, perfect.”

 

Kat is having a horrible Thursday morning. Her usual twenty-minute train ride downtown has stretched into a 50-minute ride thanks to the MTA. Her train stops between stations, and the worst part was that she was stuck underground with no service. When the train finally comes to its stop Kat jogs the block left to make the last 45 minutes of her class. Kat realizes at the door that she must have left her student ID in her other jacket pocket because she can’t find it. Frustrated with her poor morning, she goes around the block to the main entrance and gets a visitor’s pass.

 Kat finally makes it to her class; she peers inside the room and notices the professor talking and everyone taking notes. She pulls the door open and about half the class looks up, Kat puts on her best resting bitch face and makes her way to the front of the room. Adena only looks up when she realizes the late student is trying to sit in Kat’s usual seat. Kat feels a little better, a little calmer, a little more relaxed when she sees Adena looking up at her smiling.

Adena’s smile shifts to concerned look and her eyebrows furrowing together, “You okay?” she mouthed to Kat. Kat’s face softens as she nods.

“Crazy morning” she mouths back, pulling her laptop out. Adena pulls the corners of her mouth down in an exaggerated sad face.

“Sorry” she mouths. Kat shakes her head, brushing the apology off.

“Don’t worry,” she whispers.

The last 45 minutes of the class drag on, and Adena keeps checking the time, watching the minute creep towards 12:25. However, Adena is happy Kat showed up. Kat is usually already seated when Adena walks into class, so she was confused when that wasn’t the case this morning. She was also worried because they had agreed to work on their presentation after class, and Adena was debating on whether or not to text her.

Those few minutes before class were especially lonely for Adena. She sat by herself, fiddling on her phone, a habit she tries to stay away from. But it’s moments like that when Adena remembers how different she is from her classmates. She listened to them complain about coursework in their loud and brash American accents with curiosity. She doesn’t talk to anyone but Kat in this class, and she hoped she would show up soon.

 

The class finally ends, and Adena turns to Kat finally, “Rough morning?” Kat rolls her eyes,

“You have no idea, I was stuck on the R train for 30 minutes, and on top of that it was underground with no service.”

Adena looks at her kindly, “I’m sorry, I’m glad you’re here though, class was so boring without you.”

Kat perks up at the thought, it’s a little selfish she knows, but she’s satisfied with the idea that she gets to have Adena to herself during their class. She likes the fact that nobody else speaks to them or bothers joining their group.

“So should we head to the library and get started on this presentation?” Adena asks, as they walk out of the classroom.

Kat nods, “Yeah, let’s go do this.”

 

The two girls find an empty table in the library, and get their things out. “I’m sorry we only have so much time, otherwise I would have loved to get lunch or something first,” Adena says apologizing.

“Don’t worry about it” Kat says waving her apology off and raises the fresh cup of coffee that Adena insisted on getting her, “You got me coffee, that’s more than enough honestly.”

“You had a bad morning, it’s my pleasure” Adena says.

Kat gives her a smile and goes to pull their syllabus out. “Okay, so the project is pretty open ended, we just need to pick an article and connect it to some of the things we’ve spoken about in class” she says, flipping through the packet.

“Oh, I kinda have the perfect article for this, I read it in an anthropology class a few semesters ago, it’s called “Do Muslim Women Really Need Saving?” And there’s so much we could say about it” Adena says excitedly. 

Kat nods excitedly as Adena breaks down what the article is about. “Oh that’s brilliant, we can talk about how people’s way of thinking about feminism is largely skewed by their ethnocentrism and feminism should actually be intersectional,” she adds. Kat is frantically typing away on her computer as she speaks.

“Yes, exactly! And I’m going to highlight the perfect paragraph here for you to speak about.” Adena says as she squints at her own computer.

Adena begins to say something, but she’s interrupted by her phone, “ _Allahhhhhhhhhh u akbar.”_ She quickly sounds the alarm off, “What time is it?” she mutters to herself as she checks the time. “Kat, is it alright if I pray quickly? It won’t take long” Adena asks Kat who is nodding her head.

“Yeah of course, you don’t even have to ask me, do you want me to watch your stuff while you go?”

“No, it’s fine I’m just going to pray right here” Adena says pointing to the floor.

“Oh, okay” Kat answers, a little surprised. Kat knows there is a Muslims Student Association at their college and their lounge often doubles as somewhere students pray. She watches Adena out of the corner of her eye as she lays her coat on the floor of the library, stands at the edge of it and brings her hands up to her shoulders then folds them over her chest, her mouth moving silently.

Kat tries to focus on the work in front of her, but she can’t help but look every time Adena changes positions, standing up tall, then bending with her hands on her knees, then prostrating with her forehead on the ground, then sitting on her knees. She’s mesmerized by the actions, and wonders what Adena is thinking about, with her half lidded eyes and her mouth moving soundlessly. She nervously looks around. The library isn’t crowded, but she hopes nobody is starting at Adena. To her relief everyone is busy with their own work. 

Adena finishes praying, she turns her head to the left and right, saying something softly before standing up and picking her coat back up. “Thank you,” Adena says with a smile as she sits back down at the table.

Kat finds herself smiling back, “Please, there’s no need to thank me for anything.”

“Okay, we have like an hour left, let’s see how much we can get done, but I think we should meet one more time to work on it, if that’s alright with you?” Kat says as she stretches in her chair, her hands and head reaching up and back. Adena notices Kat’s shirt creeping up as she stretches and can’t help but see the soft skin around her navel. She quickly looks back at her computer screen as the shirt creeps back down. 

“Adena? Does that work for you?” Kat asks her again. 

“Oh yeah, that’s perfect” Adena says trying to sound nonchalant, hoping her face doesn’t give her away.

“Okay great, next time I’ll buy the coffee,” Kat says smiling.

 

Later that evening as Kat’s having dinner with Jane and Sutton in Kat’s apartment she tells them about Adena praying in the library. “I don’t know it was so cool to me. It was like she was so unapologetic and confident in herself that she just laid her coat out and started praying. She looked so calm and so at peace. It was kinda beautiful really,” she says, wondering if her friends understand her.

Jane and Sutton nod, “Listen, I’m just glad you found a friend in this class so you’re not mad at us anymore” Sutton says.

  

Adena is only half listening to her professor droning on and on about something she already knows. She looks over at Kat who is discretely scrolling on her cellphone. Adena stares at her, noticing the way some of her curls frame her face, and the way her eyebrows are just the tiniest bit furrowed. Adena thinks it would make a wonderful picture, and wishes she could pause the class and take her camera out. She suddenly has an idea; she reaches into her bag and pulls out her moleskin journal. Adena hasn’t sketched in ages, but between the boredom and the way Kat’s lips are in a subtle pout, she quietly sketches Kat.

She tries not to stare at Kat as she sketches; she works slowly, trying to take up as much time as possible. Adena steals glances at Kat, who finally looks up at one point and rolls her eyes in boredom, still oblivious to what Adena is doing.

Adena has grown to like Kat a lot, admittedly she doesn’t give people the chance to befriend in her school, nor does she care much for the other students at her university. She quickly learned that they are mostly rich and privileged students who decided to go to private college in the middle of the city. Most of her friends are international students like herself, who feel out of place while paying out of state tuition.

Kat is different than most of the other students. She is rich and privileged in her American way, but she doesn’t act like the rest of them. She seems comfortable with herself, but unbothered by her peers who are all struggling to outdo each other. Adena liked her from the moment she shrugged her shoulders when Adena asked what she was going to do after college. Normally Adena would have figured that Kat came from money and didn’t even have to worry about such a thing, but Kat seemed full of curiosity, as if life had not revealed it’s grand plans to her yet. She liked her from the beginning.

“Oh my god, is that me?” Adena looks up startled. The classroom is nearly empty, and Kat is standing over her peering over her shoulder.

“Yeah, how do you like it so far?” She asks as she packs her things away. Kat carefully picks up journal to look at the drawing.

“Adena this is amazing,” she says studying the page. “Nobody’s ever drawn me before,” She says handing the journal back.

“I find that surprising” Adena says without thinking, “Ready to go?” she asks lifting her bag on her shoulder. Kat smiles and feels herself blushing.

  

They work well together, they’re nearly done with their presentation and only have to divvy up who presents which parts. Adena was relieved that Kat asked her to work together, not that she is worried about working with others, but it’s nice to have a friend in class. Kat told her the other day how annoyed she was that Jane and Sutton weren’t in class with her, and Adena was jealous of her. Adena felt at ease knowing Kat was already sitting in the classroom when she went to class. It made her feel young, as if she were in grade school again. 

They’re going over their PowerPoint one last time when Adena’s alarm goes off just like last time, “ _Allahhhhhhhhhh u akbar.”_ Adena turns it off and turns back to Kat, “Sorry, go ahead” she says.

“No, don’t worry, go ahead and pray and then we’ll continue.”

Adena shakes her head, “No it’s fine, I’m not praying.”

Kat checks the time on her phone, “No, seriously we have tons of time go ahead…”

“No,” Adena says with a smile interrupting Kat, “I mean that’s very sweet of you, but I _can’t_ today is what I mean.” Adena looks at Kat’s confused face and tries to clarify, “I’m on my period, I can’t pray.”

Kat nods her head, “Oh okay,” she clears her throat after a few seconds, “I didn’t know that.” 

Adena looks at her kindly, “That Muslims don’t pray when they’re on their period?”

“Yeah” Kat nods her head, looking at her with curiosity.

“Yeah, you can sometimes tell when Muslims are on their period because their nails will be painted during that time.” Adena says jokingly. She backtracks realizing Kat doesn’t understand the joke, “You can’t pray if you have nail polish on because it prevents you from doing _wudu_ , so when people get their period they usually paint their nails during that time.” Adena says of way of explaining her joke, “It used to be a very big thing for us in high school back home.”

“You went to high school in Iran?” Kat asks, with her eyebrows knitted close.

“Yeah, you sound a little surprised,” Adena says with half a smile.

Kat quickly shakes her head, “No, I don’t mean it like that…maybe a little bit actually.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry” Adena says kindly.

“So you went to high school and everything in Iran and then decided to come here for college?” Kat asks.

“Mhm” Adena says nodding.

She looks up at Kat, who looks like she’s waiting for Adena to say more. “There was nothing left for me in Iran,” Adena says with a shrug. “Don’t get me wrong, there are good universities in Tehran and all over the country there, but it was hard for me to be in a country that wasn’t exactly accepting of me.”

Kat’s eyebrows furrow again and she tilts her head, before she could say anything Adena clears her throats and shifts in her seat, “I was in love with my best friend… who was a girl” she adds slowly.

“The Islamic Republic of Iran didn’t look too kindly on that,” Adena says shrugging. Realization dawns on Kat’s face and her features soften again, Adena wants to take out her journal and add touches to the sketch, the way Kat’s mouth is the slightest bit open, the way her eyes are clear and focused on her, the way her head is tilted. 

“Wow, I had no idea” Kat says softly.

Adena shrugs, “Yeah, I don’t talk about it much, it was a few years. But I loved her, we couldn’t be together the way I wanted, and things kind of fell apart, and I decided I had to leave.”

She’s unsure of why she’s telling this to Kat, maybe because she one of the few American students to ask her, maybe it’s because she’s listening so carefully, maybe it’s because Adena has a hard time saying no to her, maybe it’s because she wants Kat to know. Kat is silent; she’s struggling to think of something to say, something empathetic, something profound, or something meaningful. She comes up short and can only say –

“I’m really sorry.”

Adena shakes her head, “Please, it’s nothing to be sorry for. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love Iran, that’s my home, but I had to leave.”

 

Kat thinks about this later that night when she’s lying in bed. She had decided to leave her little suburban town to come to the city for college, but she knows this doesn’t compare to leaving a country.

Adena spent the rest of their time telling her about growing up in Iran, how she grew up in a huge house with a plum tree in the backyard. How her father is a businessman and her mom an academic, but they somehow fit together perfectly. How her older brother went to university in London, but then came back home. How her little sister was still in high school, and took Adena’s move quite hard. How her parents tell everyone that she came to the school here for the art program.

Kat listens intently while Adena tells her about the itchy uniforms she had to wear to school, a drab navy color with a white _roosari_. “My parents both come from money,” Adena tells her honestly, “And they’re both educated, so a lot of people encouraged them to leave during the revolution, but they both were adamant about staying. Sometimes I wonder what that would have been like, you know?” Adena says. “But Iran is home, they didn’t want to leave,” she says with a small shrug. 

Kat studies the far off look on Adena’s face, “Maybe we would have been neighbors growing up,” she says trying to break the silence. 

“Maybe” Adena says with a small smile. She’s thought about it plenty of times, growing up in the West like a lot of her cousins, or other rich Iranians. She wonders if she would have grown up with other Iranian kids, wonders what going to grade school in America would have been like, wonders if her parents would have been different here, happier, freer. 

But then she thinks of her grandparents, her family, walking to school with Shireen, thinks of underground parties, vacations every chance they had, skiing in the winter and _bastani_ in the summer. Maybe life would have been different, but her life was very good.

 

Kat turns in her bed, still thinking of Adena. She closes her eyes and corrects the image of Iran she had in her head after what Adena had told her. Truth be told, she didn’t have much of an image of the country, but now she tries to picture herself there. She thinks about how hard it must be for Adena to be in a city alone, without her family.

“I have some family here actually,” Adena had told her, “But they live in Long Island, I try to see them as much as I can” she said with a shrug. Kat wondered if they knew why Adena left Tehran in the first place, but she didn’t ask.

  

“Yeah, I was pretty shocked to learn that her parents are still in Iran, I kinda assumed they would be here…” Kat says on the phone. She’s on a three-way call with Jane and Sutton as she heads to the subway the next morning.

She hears Jane panting on the elliptical, “Yeah, I mean a lot of people leave home for school, but leaving the country can’t be easy.”

Sutton’s voice is still thick with sleep, “I can’t even imagine. Kat you should invite her to our Thanksgiving, if you think she would be down.”

Kat smiles, “You totally read my mind! Okay I’ll ask her this week, I’m going underground, I’ll talk to you guys later.”

 

 

Kat opens the door to the coffee shop for Adena, letting her walk in front of her. “So what are you doing for Thanksgiving?” Kat asks.

“Thank you” Adena says dragging the “you” out as she steps inside the warm shop. Kat realizes she has a soft spot for the lilt in Adena’s English. The two of them had just finished their presentation in class and it went perfectly. Adena and Kat combined were a force to be reckoned with, the professor even approached them after class to congratulate them on their job well done.

“Well I’m not really sure, I usually spend it at my aunt’s house, but they’re going Upstate this year to spend it with their friend’s family, and they asked me to come along, but I don’t really want to intrude. So I’m not really sure yet, how about you?” Adena asks as she scans the selection of pastries behind the glass.

_Almond croissant._ Kat thinks to herself, she knows Adena well enough by now to know she’s going to ask for the almond croissant. “Well, I usually go visit my parents, but they’re actually going to some conference in Montréal that weekend so they’re just going to a friend’s place so they don’t have to do any cooking and hosting. So I decided to stay in the city this year.”

“Hi, what can I get you?” The lady behind the counter asks Adena.

“Hi, can I have a latte and an almond croissant please?” Adena says. Kat smiles to herself, _knew it._ “Sorry Kat, you were saying?” Adena asks.

“Yeah, I’m staying here this Thanksgiving, but so are Jane and Sutton, so we’re going to have a Thanksgiving dinner with some people,” Kat swallows quickly before getting the next part out, “And since you’re also going to be alone in the city I’d love it if you came.”

“And for you, hun?” The lady behind the counter asks Kat. 

“Hey, can I have a cold brew, and some room for milk?”

The two are seated in the back when Adena finally says, “Of course, I would love to spend Thanksgiving with you guys, what can I bring?” Kat is so happy that she doesn’t even know what to tell Adena when she asks.

“Um, I’m not really sure, I’ll ask Sutton and let you know, don’t trouble yourself though.”

  

Adena wears a stunning red dress to Thanksgiving and it really isn’t fair. Her hair is covered in a silk gray scarf and there are long earrings dangling from her ears. Kat is absolutely amazed how something that does not reveal any skin can still be so unbelievably _hot._ Kat opened the door for her when she came and was just about speechless. Adena was worried that Kat’s reaction was because she was overdressed for the occasion.

“No no, it’s not that” Kat said shaking her head, “You just look so gorgeous” she says earnestly.

“ _Merci joonam_ ” Adena says before kissing Kat’s cheeks to greet her hello, and she can swear Kat’s cheeks feel warm under hers.

“You don’t look bad yourself” she says close to Kat’s ear as she pulls away. Adena found that flustering Kat didn’t happen easily, but it didn’t discourage her from trying. They had finished their project weeks ago, but kept their after class coffee dates, talking about anything and everything. From time to time Adena would say something that would cause Kat’s eyes to widen or for her to blush and Adena would consider this a small victory.

One time Kat blushes when Adena scoffs at her for complaining about a pimple on her forehead. “Please, as if one blemish could take away from your beauty, Kat” she had said casually before taking a sip of her latte. Kat remembers Adena telling her that affection between women is a very common thing in Iran, from hand holding to complimenting. Whenever Adena says something like this she always wonders if she really means it.

  

“So Adena, do you guys have Thanksgiving in Iran?” Alex asks as he sits down at the table with his second slice of pumpkin pie. The girls were quite proud of their Thanksgiving dinner, Sutton turned out to be quite the chef, and Jane and Kat were obedient helpers. The girls had invited Alex, Richard, Ryan, Adena and other friends who had left by now.

Adena smiles while shaking her head, “No, we do not, I had my first one when I started school here.”

“What did you think about it?” Ryan asks as he sets down a glass of wine in front of Jane. Adena chews while she thinks about it. 

“Well, I feel like my Thanksgivings were a little skewed maybe? It was basically just a party with Persian food and turkey. This is probably my first American Thanksgiving really.”

Adena says shrugging happily, “And I have you guys to thank for it,” she says raising her glass of cranberry juice towards the girls sitting around the table. Adena catches Kat’s eye and gives her a small wink. Kat smiles and raises her eyebrows, hoping that nobody notices the blush creeping on her neck.

“Of course, thanks for coming Adena and for bringing this dessert, it’s so good,” Jane says, pointing to the contents of her bowl with her spoon.

“I’m glad you liked the _sholeh zard_ , Iranians are very into saffron, we sometimes go a little overboard with it,” Adena says as she gets up to refill her cup of tea.

Kat gets up while everyone is talking and follows Adena to the kitchen. She watches Adena from behind, watches as her silhouette moves expertly around the kitchen like she’s been here before. Kat watches as Adena hums while she waits for the water to come to a boil, and Kat feels like they’ve done this before, but the erratic beating of her heart tells her otherwise.

“Oh my god, you scared me Kat” Adena says holding her hand to her chest. Kat quickly apologizes, and busies herself looking for almond milk in the refrigerator, making it seem like she came to the kitchen for a reason. Adena leans against the counter, steeping the teabag in her cup. She takes a small sip.

“You know, New York is great for a lot of things, but the tea here needs some work,” Adena says.

Kat sticks her head out of the refrigerator, “I’m _very_ sorry princess Adena that our tea isn’t to your liking,” She says jokingly, “But can you blame us? We all run on coffee here.”

Adena walks by her cup of tea to join everyone back at the table, and lightly smacks Kat’s backside that still sticking out of the refrigerator. She sucks her teeth in disapproval, “That’s _shahzade_ to you.”

 

Kat sleeps over at Jane and Sutton’s that night, the three of them sharing one big bed. The kitchen is still a mess, but they decide to deal with it in the morning. Kat is already lying in bed, waiting for Jane and Sutton to finish in the bathroom when her phone buzzes. It’s a text message from Adena.

_Hey, thank you again for a wonderful Thanksgiving, and please thank Jane and Sutton for me! xx_  

“Guys, Adena is so sweet, listen to this message she just sent me,” She shouts towards the bathroom. Sutton sticks her head out with her toothbrush hanging from her mouth and Jane hops into bed as Kat reads the message for them. 

“Aw, that is sweet of her,” Jane says yawning.

“Yeah, you should probably send her a thank you too though” Sutton says she finally turns off the running water and enters the bedroom again. “You know, for wearing that red dress for you,” she says with raise of her eyebrow and a smug smile.

“What, no c’mon,” Kat starts and she hears Jane giggling besides her. “Oh please guys, give me a break,” she says rolling her eyes, hoping that they can’t notice the blush creeping on her neck in the dim room.  

“Kat, you nearly started drooling when you opened the door for her,” Jane says sitting up as Sutton joins them in bed, “Plus, don’t think we didn’t see the _eyes_ you guys were giving each other like the whole night.”

“Please, I wasn’t giving her _eyes_ okay,” Kat insists, “It was her first time meeting you guys and seeing everyone, I just wanted to make sure she was doing alright.” Kat says, hoping Jane and Sutton are more convinced with that reasoning than she is.

“Whatever you need to tell yourself, babe.” Sutton says as she turns the light off before getting comfortable.

  

That night she has a dream about Adena, and she wakes up wanting to laugh, because of course that would happen after Jane and Sutton’s teasing. She puts her head back on the pillow closing her eyes, trying to remember as much of the dream as she can. It was a dream with no beginning or end, just a snippet of them together. They were lying on Kat’s couch and Adena was hovering over her, kissing Kat everywhere but her lips. Adena’s hair was down and she was wearing a black camisole, and Kat is blissfully laid out, watching Adena’s mouth move across her skin.

Kat opens her eyes, frustrated that she can’t remember anymore of the dream. She feels Sutton stirring beside her and hears Jane opening the bathroom door. She thinks for a second before telling them about her dream. It’s about sex, she rationalizes, and Kat has never been shy about her body. But then she closes her eyes and tries to think of her dream again, and decides she’s not ready to share it with them yet.


	2. می دونستم که تکی

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The semester ends, and Kat and Adena think about each other.

The end of the fall semester always ends with the same routine, celebrating the end of the semester, saying “Yeah, for sure! Let’s hang out over the break!” and then never following through with it. Christmas and New Year exist in a time where everything is slow and nobody is worried about time. Kat usually spends the week pleasantly buzzed and unwinding from the semester. 

However, this winter break is different. She finds herself thinking about Adena when she’s in her parents’ house for the holidays. They ask about Jane and Sutton and she finds herself telling them about Adena. Her mom tries giving her a knowing look, and says, “You’ve been talking a lot about Adena lately,” but it comes off as a therapist and the _tell me more_ part goes unsaid.

She shakes it off, shrugging, “Yeah, she’s a new friend.”

It’s not that she’s afraid to tell her parents that Adena has stirred _something_ in Kat. Infatuation, desire, lust, care, admiration, anything but _love._ Kat doesn’t really do romantic love. She’s grown up around people destroyed by romantic love. People who would come to her parents and sit on their couch, distraught and irreparable because of romantic love. She saw how hard her parents worked at their own marriage, and maybe the whole thing just put her off. She didn’t want weekly dates that were scheduled on a calendar; she wanted spontaneity and passion that couldn’t be contained. She was tired of sitting at the dining table and talking every little thing out, she wanted passion and rage.

The older she got the more she appreciated love in different ways. The way friends love each other, like the way Sutton and Jane always kept her favorite bottle of red wine at their place. The way parents unconditionally love their children, she watched in awe a few weeks ago when a small child wiped their nose on their mother’s very expensive looking dress. Instead of getting upset, the mother simply laughed and kissed the child on the head. But romantic love? Kat didn’t think it was feasible.

Kat likes lust, flings, and harmless little things. Things that had no promise, no effort or care required. So it takes her by surprise when she _cares_ so much about Adena, cares about her in little ways she didn’t even realize. Cares that she isn’t alone on Thanksgiving, cares that she isn’t homesick for Tehran, cares that she smiles. It really hits her when she sends Adena a message asking what classes she’s taking next semester, and goes out of her way to sign up for another Women and Gender Studies class just to see her again next semester.

  

It’s starts out innocently. Kat is lying on her couch a few days after spending Christmas with her family. She’s scrolling on Instagram and sees a picture of a gorgeous green garden posted by Adena, with a caption in Farsi. She likes the picture and continues scrolling, after a few seconds the curiosity remains and she scrolls back up. She goes back to the foreign caption and looks for the translate option. “Welcome home.”

Kat opens her text messages without checking the time and sends a message to Adena.

_“Hey Adena! Hope you’re having a nice break! Was wondering if you know what classes you’re taking next semester?”_

She falls asleep hoping to wake up to a response from Adena, but the text goes unanswered. Over the next few days Kat cannot stop herself from constantly checking her phone, immediately picking it up whenever it buzzes. She can’t seem to help herself, and she can’t help but feel annoyed. Annoyed with Adena for not responding and annoyed with herself for caring so much.

She goes out with Sutton and Jane for their annual New Year dinner, they go to a Thai place in Queens and get pleasantly wine drunk. She somehow ends up talking about Adena. She hears it coming out of her mouth before it’s too late, “Guys, I think I like Adena,” she blurts out. She expects more of a reaction from Jane and Sutton, but all she gets is them nodding as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.  

“We kinda knew that already, but welcome to the club,” Sutton says as she tips her glass of wine towards Kat before taking a drink from it. Kat resists the urge to roll her eyes. 

“I mean, fine you guys were right okay. I think I always had a physical thing for her, but I’m serious, I think I like her” Kat insists. Jane and Sutton pause, realizing what Kat’s trying to say.

“Wait, you mean like _like?_ ” Jane asks.

“What is this, second grade?” Kat says through her giggles.

Jane rolls her eyes, “You know what I mean,” she says before picking up her spoon and reaching towards the bowl of ice cream in the middle of the table.

Sutton looks at her shaking her head slightly, “You’re serious aren’t you? I feel like you haven’t liked someone in so long, Kat. Have you told her?”

Kat opens and closes her mouth, not knowing how to answer the question. The ever straightforward, cut to the chase Kat, cannot bring herself to tell Adena. She almost wants to say, “Do I have to?” Because the thing is Kat doesn’t know what she wants. She knows she wants Adena, but she doesn’t know how to get there, how to tell her, how to show her.

“I mean I don’t really know,” Kat sighs, “Maybe I’m just like this because she hasn’t answered my text and I haven’t seen her in a while? I’m sure that’s what my parents would say,” She says as she picks up a spoon and digs into the bowl of ice cream as well.

 

Later that night Kat is lazily scrolling through Instagram again, and again her mind wanders to the unanswered message. She goes to Adena’s profile, checking if she’s posted anything new after the garden picture. Kat wonders what she’s doing, what vacation in Tehran looks like for Adena, does she sleep in her childhood bed? What is the weather like? Does she sit up late with her sister? Does she miss New York? Does she miss Kat?

Kat chews her lips while she quickly Googles “Tehran time.” Despite being past midnight in the city it’s nearly 9 am in Tehran. Kat scrolls through her contacts and doesn’t hesitate before FaceTiming Adena. Part of her doesn’t really think Adena will answer, so she’s very surprised when she sees the screen crackle to life and hears Adena’s voice.

“Kat?”

Kat’s heart catches in her throat, “Oh my god you picked up, hi Adena!” She quickly sits up in her bed, trying to angle her phone in a more flattering position, “How are you?” The picture snaps into better quality and the first thing she notices is Adena’s hair.

It’s short and black and beautiful. It looks silky and healthy and it’s got a bit of a wave to it, and Kat doesn’t think she’s ever cared about someone’s hair this much before. Then she notices skin, Adena’s usually covered arms are in a black camisole. Kat suddenly feels like she’s barged in on her somehow, interrupting a private moment. “Sorry, I should have messaged you before calling, is now a bad time?” Kat asks.

The music that’s been playing in the background is finally lowered and Adena’s voice lags behind the picture a little, “No no, now is perfect actually, I was getting so bored waiting for everyone to wake up actually. How are you, how were your holidays?”

 “They were good, I actually just came home from a New Year dinner with Jane and Sutton.” Kat says, “How about you? How’s home?” She listens as Adena talks about her home, how her parents want to plan a family trip to Abu Dhabi before she comes back to New York, how her sister was studying for her college entrance exams, how she felt bad that she didn’t bring back enough gifts for her friends.

 Kat waits for a lull in the conversation before confessing, “I’ve never seen your hair before,” Adena touches her hair in response, “It’s gorgeous.”

 “Thank you – Oh I love this song!” Suddenly Adena is out of the frame and Kat is staring at ceiling. Kat hears the music grow louder and Adena picks up her phone again, “I’m sorry, I haven’t heard this song in so long!” She says excitedly.

Kat giggles, “No it’s fine, I’d love to hear it.” She listens to the unfamiliar instruments mixing with the ones she knows. The music is soft and melodic and the singer’s voice is deep and full.

Adena sings along, with her head swaying from side to side, “ _Yeki bood yeki nabood, pas shooru shod qesamoon…”_ Kat quietly watches her sing for a few moments, again feeling like she’s walked in on something intimate, Adena in her childhood room, relaxed, and singing in Farsi. Kat leans her head back on her pillow, happy to just watch.

“ _Homoosh kon mooseqi ra!”_ A muffled voice shouts from another room. Adena quickly lowers the music again before shouting “Sorry!” Adena turns her attention back to the camera and whispers, “I think I woke my sister up,” they both end in a fit of giggles.

“That song was beautiful, what does it say?” Kat asks.

“Well, _Yeki bood yeki nabood_ literally means _there was one, there wasn’t one_ which is the Farsi version of ‘once upon a time.’”

“Oh that’s so cool, I didn’t know there were different versions of it,” Kat says sitting up in bed, feeling more awake despite the time in New York.

“Yeah, there’s a longer version too that I like more, _yeki bood yeki nabood, gheir az khuda hech kas nabood._ That one means, _there was one, there wasn’t one, other than God there was not anyone._ ” Adena tilts her head and is about to say something when Kat hears another muffled voice and Adena looks away from the camera. “ _Are, meayam,”_ She says before turning back towards Kat.

“Kat I have to go, we’re having breakfast,” Adena says with an exaggerated pout.

“Of course, go ahead, I hope I didn’t keep you,” Kat says.

“No, not at all,” Adena says, “I’m actually really glad you called,” she smiles. 

“Yeah?” Kat asks, “Well, I’m really glad you picked up,” she says in response. She tries to read Adena’s face, tries to see if she understands what Kat’s is trying to say. _I think I really like you. I miss you. You’re beautiful._ She hears Adena’s sister again and Adena rolls her eyes.

“Sisters never change I guess” she jokes, “Okay Kat, we’ll talk soon I hope.”

 

Kat wakes up the next morning to find a text from Adena, four texts actually.

_So sorry for not responding to your message! My connection was a little weird when I first came._

The next was an image of her class schedule.

 

_Once upon a time, our story started_

_I knew you were single, like the moon in the sky_

_I knew you, my dear, knew the value of love_

_I knew you were the one to stay forever_

_Yes I love you too, I can’t stand it_

_You’re a part of my body, and I only have you_

_From the song you were asking about!_

 

Kat knows taking a class just because Adena is in it is irrational. She knows this. Objectively she knows this. But the giddy bubbling feeling that starts lows in her chest when she reads those texts tells her she’s doing something right. She sits up in bed and finds her laptop, quietly hoping that the Women and Gender Studies class Adena is in is still open. To her relief there is a green bubble next to the class named Queer Voices. She adds it to her schedule and the pounding in her chest settles a little as she imagines another semester with Adena, another few months to figure her out, the only person who has managed to throw Kat off her game.

Soon it becomes a routine of sorts, morning FaceTime calls for Adena and nightly ones for Kat. Not too long, always short enough to keep them wanting more, enough to make them pick up that next FaceTime call the next day. Adena is thrilled to hear that they will be in the same class again next semester, but Kat cannot bring herself to tell her the truth. How does she tell Adena that she went out of her way to register for the same class without alarming her? Without alarming herself? Without labeling this whole interaction with words like _feelings_ and _want?_

FaceTime is good, Kat is good at FaceTime. There is something safe about talking through screens that allows her to be funnier, flirtier, more like the regular Kat, before Adena managed to reduce her to a puddle of herself. She manages to make Adena blush twice. Once when Adena is telling her about a friend’s party from the night before.

 “I wish I could have been there,” she says.

 “I don’t think so, it was a little boring honestly.” Adena says, touching her hair in the camera, a habit Kat didn’t know she had since her hair was usually covered.

 “Yeah, but I would have seen you dance.” Kat says nonchalantly. The apples of her cheeks grow pink as Kat smiles.

The next time Kat gets Adena to blush is when Kat drunkenly FaceTimes her from a party. She’s been up for a nearly an hour and her phone hasn’t rang yet, she assumes Kat is busy. She starts cleaning her room, a mess from the night before from getting ready to go out. Dresses and scarves littered the room. She was starting to grow a little tired of the extravagant dinners and parties every night. She used to love it, but she had trouble fitting in with her rich friends now who simply wanted to find new ways to spend money. Her friend Laila laughed when she asked her if she wanted to go to the Museum of Contemporary Art one day, _“Che? Ma bacha haaye koocheek hastem? Boro dega baba!”_

Adena’s phone starts ringing and she quickly accepts the FaceTime call, she’s about to joke about what took Kat so long to call her when she realizes that Kat is not in her usual spot.

 “Guys! Shut up its Adena, hi Adena!”

“Hi Kat, where are you?”

“Um, I’m at a party right now, wait I have an idea, Adena don’t hang up okay?” Before Adena can respond the camera is bouncing around towards the ceiling and she hears music and people laughing and chatting.

 “ _Tobah khudaya”_ Adena mumbles under her breath. Finally it quiets and she hears the sound of a door closing.

“Adena, you still there?” Kat’s face comes back into the frame and she sits down on something.

“Yeah, you told me not to hang up remember. Kat, sweetie where are you?” She asks.

“Oh yeah that’s a good question, ummm I am in a bathroom right now.” Kat answers before giggling. Adena suspects that Kat is drunk. “But I’m at a party right now, Sutton’s friend slash more than friend Richard, you remember him? He got a promotion at work, so we’re at his very nice apartment. But I remembered that I had to FaceTime you, so here we are.” Kat says with a satisfied smile.

“Kat, not that I don’t appreciate you thinking of me at your party, but it’s fine you didn’t have to FaceTime me. Go have fun!” Adena says.

“Well, I was having fun, but then this guy tried hooking up with me, and normally I would have been all for it. But we ended up making out and I just wasn’t into it, which is weird because I’ve been pretty horny lately, and we’re making out and for some reason I couldn’t close my eyes…” and that’s how Kat gets Adena to blush the second time.

 Adena chokes out a laugh in surprise. It’s not that she’s a prude, that’s not the case at all; it’s the sheer bluntness of Kat’s confession that leaves her at a loss for words for a moment.

 “You are something else, Kat Edison,” She says shaking her head as she sits down on her bed. Kat smiles at her from her spot on the ledge of the bathtub thousands of miles away.

  

Adena has a bad habit of burning through people. She becomes interested in them and wants to know everything about them, and then grows tired of them. She thought it was just her attitude towards boys when she was little. Her mother and father used to poke fun of her for it, _doost sooz_ they would call her, _friend burner_. When she got older she would look for inspiration in people and use it for herself. 

She would follow her brother’s friend Aryan around trying to capture the intricate tattoo peeking from under his shirt collar. She loved sitting with her mom and her aunt Maryam, because _khala_ Maryam wore bright red lipstick no matter the occasion. She befriended the quietest girl in her 9 th grade class, Nikki, because she was curious. It’s not that she was an inherently good and friendly person and didn’t want Nikki to be lonely, Adena was just painfully curious. All these people would find their way into her head and sketchbook.

The one person who was a constant in her life was Shireen. She was the one person who managed to keep Adena interested long enough just by being herself. Shireen was perceptive and unafraid of the truth, but she was good enough to deliver it kindly. She was beautiful and charming in a way that made Adena jealous, even though she was usually the one being charmed. Shireen was the one constant in her life, and also the one who took it all away from her.

She came to New York heartbroken, mourning something that never was. She used to torture herself in those first few months, looking up what Shireen was doing on Instagram and Facebook, even asking her sister if she’s seen or heard anything. One day Sara told her that Shireen and her husband came to their house for tea, and Adena had to pull the phone away from her ear and take a deep breath before asking Sara the details.

Later that night she laid in bed and tormented herself thinking about Shireen. It was one thing wondering about her, but it was another knowing that Shireen was in her house and had to have thought about her when she was sitting in the living room drinking tea from her mother’s cups. Did Shireen ask about her? Did she excuse herself to the bathroom and go upstairs into Adena’s bedroom? Did she sit on her bed trying to smell the last of Adena in the sheets?

These days she doesn’t think much about Shireen. Instead she finds herself thinking more about Kat. The way her eyes squint when she smiles, the way she asked her for a playlist of Iranian music and it made Adena’s heart flutter, the way she texted her excitedly after finding out that Britney Spears is dating an Iranian guy. Selfishly Adena likes being the one to introduce Kat to things about Iran, but what she loves more is the look on Kat’s face when she speaks. She is always attentive and curious, desperate to understand, always a little hesitant to ask questions in fear of saying something wrong. Adena appreciates it, it makes her feel wanted in a way no one has made her feel.

Adena finds that she can’t burn through Kat the way she’s done to people in the past, instead she finds herself more and more curious. She wonders if she’s right to wonder about Kat. Wonders if she’s right about Kat looking at her with affection, right about the way Kat remembers little things about her, right about the unspoken _something_ between them. Adena doesn’t want to assume things, but she finds herself wondering. 

She finds herself doing something that she hasn’t done in all her time in America. She imagines herself with Kat. She imagines them walking along Lexington Avenue, something they’ve done plenty of time after class, but this time holding hands. Something she used to do with Shireen all the time, something incredible banal in Tehran, but loaded in America. She pictures them waiting at a stoplight and Kat raising their clasped hands to her mouth and placing a kiss to the back of them.

She pictures them having dinner at her favorite Afghan place and Kat whisking the bill away before she can even touch it. She pictures Kat walking her home and expertly putting her hands around her neck, before kissing her softly, thanking her for a fun time. And just as Kat winks and walks away, Adena softly grabs her arm before pulling her in the direction of her apartment. She pictures all the small things she couldn’t do out in the open in Tehran. She yearns for the little things that she was too scared to do at home, she aches to do them in New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song referenced is “Yeki Bood Yeki Nabood” by the Black Cats, if anyone is curious! It is also where the title of the story and chapters come from! Also one of my favorite Persian bands. 
> 
> Homoosh kon mooseqi ra! = turn the music off   
> Are, meayam = Yes, I’m coming   
> Che? Ma bacha haaye koocheek hastem? Boro dega baba! = What? Are we little kids? Get out of here!   
> Tobah khudaya = (roughly translated) oh my god (tobah is technically the term for repentence)   
> Khala = aunt


	3. مثله ماه آسمون

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adena returns to NY, and Kat has to make a decision.

New York greets her with a bone chilling cold as soon as she lands in JFK. It was winter in Tehran, but it wasn’t anything like this. Adena is desperate to get home, shower, and crawl under the covers. She opens her front facing camera to look at herself as she sits in the back of her Uber, her skin looks dull from the long flight, but her eyes are no longer puffy. She had cried quietly as her plane took off from Tehran, something she couldn’t help but do every time she had to come back to the city.

It didn’t make sense to her, she fought so hard to attend school in New York, but every time she sat on a plane to leave her family the weight of it all sat on her chest and before she knew it she would cry. This time it was a voicemail from her mom that set her off.

_Salaam joonam, saffare khoobi baret mekham. Joone dile madar khud astee Adena joon, kheili doostet daram, ashegetam azizam. Man azet kheili iftekhar daraam, wa hamesha tu fikre man asti jaane madar khud. Maraqibe khud basheed wa zang bezaan ke rasedi, khuda hafiz bache joon._

Her mom was what they call _sweet tongued_ in Farsi, _shireen zabaan._ Every sentence drenched in love and affection. Maybe it was her mother’s voice or the reality that she won’t see her for another few months, or the feeling of panic that would sit deep in her stomach whenever she had to fly alone away, but she leaving home always made her feel young and scared.

“Is here okay?” Her Uber driver asks. And she’s pulled back into reality, the sound of the emergency lights ticking grounding her. She looks out the window at her apartment building.

“Yeah, thank you.”

She’s welcomed by an empty apartment, she leaves her luggage by the door before turning the shower on, letting it run as she unwraps her hijab. Her phone rings and she feels a little more at ease when she reads the caller ID.

“Hello?” She walks back to her bag remembering all her shower things are still packed.

“Hey! You picked up!” Kat greets her on the other end; she smiles at Kat’s surprise. “Welcome back, I just wanted to say hey and make sure you landed.”

“Yeah, that’s so sweet of you to call Kat. I actually just got home, and I’m desperate to shower.”

“Yeah, don’t mention it. Listen I won’t keep you long, but what are you doing for dinner later? I’m kinda in your neighborhood, I’m shopping with Sutton. Would you want to get dinner later, once you’ve settled in?” Kat asks casually.

“Oh, umm” Adena is surprised by the offer, but decides it’s exactly what she needs today of all days. “I would love to, but I hope you won’t think I’m a baby for saying this, but it’s so cold out.”

“Oh, yeah I get it, don’t worry” Kat says quickly, and Adena can imagine her shaking her head.

“But since you’re around would you want to come to my place? We can order food.” Adena asks.

“Um,” Now it’s Kat’s turn to be caught off guard. “I’d love to, as long as it’s okay with you though.” She says politely.

“Please, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t offer in the first place,” Adena says.

“Okay then,” Adena can swear she hears her smiling on the other end, “I’ll see you in a few hours then.”

“Great, I’ll send you my address, see you soon,” Adena says before hanging up.

 

“I love Persian food, and there is nothing like my mom’s cooking,” Adena says chewing the last of her spring roll, “But I have seriously missed New York Chinese food.” Kat laughs, as she watches Adena roll her eyes dramatically. They’re sitting on the floor by Adena’s coffee table, white take out cartons strewn around the table.

“I love sitting on the floor like this to eat,” Kat says wiping her hands, “My parents were super strict about me eating at the dinner table when I was young.”

“Really?” Adena asks with curiosity.

“Yeah, I wasn’t allowed to eat in my room at all, and I always had to ask to be excused from the dinner table if I wanted to leave.” Adena tries to imagine a lonely Kat as a child, sitting at a table with grown ups waiting to be excused. She never had use for those words as a child. She never wanted to be excused, not from anything, not from the dinner table, not from her family, not from the mischievous fun her siblings would have.

But as she got older she realized those were the exact words she needed. She needed to find a way to leave her home once she had accepted that she could no longer stay there and be true to herself. It was painful being in her own house once Shireen had shattered her dreams of ever being together. So she quickly looked up universities in the city and begged her parents to let her go. 

“Hey, you alright?” Kat asks quietly. Adena looks up to find Kat’s concerned eyes on her. She nods her head.

“Yeah, I’m already missing home a little bit,” Adena says, hearing herself getting choked up. “Plus I get very emotional when I travel alone,” she says, trying to laugh the whole thing off. She tries to discretely wipe the corners of her eyes when she feels Kat’s face soften.

“Oh, babe” Kat says. Maybe it’s the way Kat says “babe,” like she means it, but Adena is suddenly torn between crawling into Kat’s arms and crying for her mom. Kat quickly shuffles closer to Adena and rubs her back gently.

“I’m sorry,” Adena says as she dabs at the corners of her eyes again. Kat shakes her head,

“Please, what are you apologizing for?”

Adena takes a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. Kat continues rubbing her back and Adena smiles a little.

“My mom used to rub my back as a kid to get me to fall asleep,” Adena says quietly.

“My parents would just shut the lights off and say goodnight,” Kat responds, “They were very professional like that.” Adena chuckles at the joke. They pass a few more moments in silence before Kat clears her throat.

“Um, do you wanna talk about it?” Adena hears the sincerity in Kat’s voice and it makes her pause. “Or you can talk, and I can listen, whatever you need really,” Kat says.

  

They wind up spending the rest of the night talking. Adena ends up telling her more about Shireen, and how she still feels pangs of panic about a life and relationship that never was. She confesses that she feels lost in New York, and Kat tells her it’s fine, because everyone in the city is a little lost. Kat tells her of the quiet suburban life that she felt suffocated by, and Adena tells her of the city full of life that she felt denied of. Each time she talks about Tehran she feels her heart ache, but she reminds herself of why she had to leave.

“Connecticut is fine,” Kat says with a dismissive wave of her hand, “But nothing beats the city.” Kat opens her mouth and then closes it again, remembering her first few months here where she struggled.

“It’s weird, I had the money to be here, but I didn’t really have any friends until I met Jane and Sutton. But New York gave me the chance to figure myself out in a lot of ways, I left the bubble that my parents created for me.” Kat says with a shrug.

Adena studies Kat’s face, aware that she should shift her eyes, and look anywhere else. But it strikes her in that moment how similar they are in a sense. Two girls who’ve left home because it wasn’t home anymore. 

“I want to be confident enough to write ‘Proud Muslim Lesbian’ on my twitter account and not worry about it.” Adena says feeling the thickness in her throat finally melt away, replaced by sudden conviction and clarity. Kat looks at her with raised eyebrows and soft eyes.

“You are the strongest person I know,” Kat says softly taking Adena’s hand and giving it a quick squeeze. “Adena, strength is not measured by our transparency about ourselves and whether or not we put pride flags in our Twitter bios,” Kat says trying to make light of the situation, “People can be strong in silence, and that strength always speaks for itself.” 

“When did you become so articulate, usually you’re using jokes to avoid talking about feelings.” Adena says with a cocked eyebrow and half a smile.

“Ah, I only use jokes to avoid my own feelings, I can talk about other people’s though.” Kat says lifting her own eyebrow to mirror Adena. It almost feels like a dare, as if Adena’s daring her to talk about her own feelings. The longer she’s sat there, the more compelled she feels to tell her that she has feelings for her. She wants to close the space between them and kiss the exposed skin below Adena’s ear. She wants to tell her how much those FaceTime calls meant to her. She wants to make Adena happy in New York, and selfishly make her fall in love.

 

Adena’s phone breaks the few moments of silence between them.

“Oh my god it’s my mom, I totally forgot to tell her I landed. I’m sorry, give me one minute Kat.” Adena says as she quickly answers her phone. _“Alo maman? Bale, are chand saat pesh raseedum, bebakhsheed baret zang nazadum.”_

Kat gets up quietly and starts clearing the last of their dinner plates, and putting the leftovers in Adena’s refrigerator. She opens and closes a few cabinets, hoping to come across a bottle of wine, but she quickly remembers that she won’t find any at Adena’s place. Instead she fills up the empty teakettle that’s sitting on the stove.

_“Maman, baret sabah zang mezanum, hanuzam mehman daram. Nay, yak doostam barayam gheza awurd. Bale, kheili mehraban ast.”_

Kat studies the back of Adena’s refrigerator as she waits for the water to boil. Her refrigerator alone is enough to make her jealous of her travels; Polaroid pictures cover the doors. There is a shot of the Eiffel Tower, a picture of Adena between a girl who looks just like her and a young guy with Adena’s eyes in front of pyramids, a picture of Adena at the base of the Statue of Liberty…

“You didn’t have to clean up Kat, I would have done it,” Adena says as Kat studies the photographs.

“Please, don’t mention it,” Kat says. Adena yawns widely, covering her mouth with the back of her hand. “Oh my gosh, you must be exhausted Adena. I’m gonna head out and let you get some rest.” She picks up her long forgotten phone and realizes how late it is. Adena watches in panic for a moment before blurting out –

“Stay here”

Kat looks up at her, eyes wide, and her thumb still hovering her phone. Adena can swear she sees Kat trying to fight a smile. She stands up a little taller, realizing Kat isn’t immune to her charm. She takes a step closer and slowly grabs Kat’s phone out of her hand, giving her plenty of time to take it back.

“Please? Stay here tonight?” Adena says. “I didn’t realize how badly I needed someone here with me tonight until you came over, and now I’m not sure I want to be alone tonight.”

Kat’s eyes are trained on her cellphone in Adena’s hand. Kat, who never has any trouble approaching men at parties and bars, is keenly aware of the space between them and the strand of hair that’s fallen out of Adena’s ponytail. Adena tilts her head, trying to get Kat to look at her.

“ _Yallah_ Kat, what do you say?” Kat finally looks up at Adena.

“Only because you asked so nicely,” Kat says, acquiescing.

“ _Afareen_ ” Adena says with an approving nod of her head.

 

Adena stares at her ceiling in the dark, listening to Kat’s soft breathing. She lies very still, not wanting to bother Kat, who has her back turned to Adena and is sleeping a few inches away. The jet lag woke her up after only a few hours and her body feels worn. She wonders what she expected when she asked Kat to stay over, she wonders if she made the mistake of doing so. Adena finally checks the time and realizes it’ll be time for _fajr_ soon, so she slowly gets out of bed and heads to the bathroom.

She closes the bathroom door quietly and washes up for prayer, trying to make as little noise as possible. She hears her prayer alarm go off in the bedroom and quickly goes to turn it off before it wakes Kat up. Kat simply buries her head in her arms, and Adena is thankful that she didn’t wake up.

She lays out her prayer rug in the living room and wraps her favorite big scarf around her, covering her head and arms. Adena stands still for a moment, taking a deep breath. She raises her hands to her shoulders and quietly says, _“Allahu akbar”_ before starting her _salah._ When she finishes she sits on her prayer mat and says an extra prayer, her hands open in front of her. She thanks God for her safe trip, thanks God for keeping everyone healthy, and thanks God for her life.

She opens her eyes to see Kat in the doorway, still wearing the shorts and t-shirt she lent her. Adena unwraps her big scarf and folds the corner of her prayer rug before standing up.

“Morning, coffee?” She asks. 

“Please” Kat says as she takes a seat at the counter.

“So, I feel like I need to apologize to you Kat” Adena says with her back turned, busying herself making coffee. She finally turns around, “I hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable last night by insisting that you stay the night.”

Kat quickly shakes her head, “No Adena, not at all. I’m glad you did, honestly.”

Adena turns around, a small smile on her face, “Good, I’m glad to hear that.” She clears her throat and pours Kat a cup of coffee; “I also want to thank you for being such a good listener last night. I didn’t expect to be so emotional, and I’m a little embarrassed if I’m being honest.”

Kat’s heart skips at the thought of Adena being embarrassed, “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about Adena, please.” Kat reaches across the small counter and takes Adena’s hand. “I meant what I said last night, you are…” Kat shakes her head smiling, trying to find the right words.

“You are _amazing_ , and strong, and so authentic, not to mention so gorgeous. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” She says, squeezing Adena’s hand.

Adena doesn’t know what to say in response, the ever-articulate Adena cannot think of anything in English or Farsi, or even French to say to that. Instead she raises their held hands and walks around the counter stopping in front of Kat. She puts her other hand to Kat’s face, cupping the side of her face gently. Kat’s heart is pounding in her chest and she’s holding her breath quietly.

Adena leans in close and Kat closes her eyes, she feels Adena’s lips pressing softly on her cheek and the quiet popping sound as they pull away. Kat opens her eyes, hoping that Adena doesn’t notice the heat traveling to her face.

“ _Merci, joonam_ ” Adena says. Kat is left there tongue-tied, wanting to ask Adena how to say _your welcome_ in Farsi. Instead Kat stays quiet, reveling in the fact that she’s coaxed Adena into Farsi, and nods.

 

Later that day Kat is frantically knocking on Jane and Sutton’s door, waiting for them to let her in. Sutton swings the door open, “Oh my goodness, relax!”

“I spent the night at Adena’s place last night, and I just got an e-mail about that class we’re supposed to take together and now I don’t know what to do.” Kat says quickly, waving her phone around.

Sutton’s mouth and eyes open in surprise, “Jane, get out here!”

Within minutes the three of them are sat in the girls’ living room, trying to make sense of Kat’s frantic retelling of the last night. Sutton lets out a literal squeak when Kat confesses that she thought Adena was going to kiss her right there in the kitchen.

“I got an e-mail with the syllabus from my professor that’s teaching the class I’m meant to be taking with Adena next semester, and now it just feels so…” Kat says, shrugging instead of finishing her statement.

“Do you not want to take the class?” Jane asks.

“Not really, I mean it has nothing to do with my major, and I only took it so I could see Adena next semester, but I don’t want her to know that.” Kat says worriedly.

“First of all, that’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard,” Sutton starts pointing at Kat, “Secondly, you need to drop that class, and tell Adena how you actually feel.” Kat’s heart quickens at the mere thought, her heart suddenly at the top of her throat. 

“You think so?” She asks, looking from Sutton to Jane.

“Yes, I do.” Sutton says, sure of herself.

“What are you worried about?” Jane asks, when she sees the fear creeping across Kat’s face. She would have made fun of Kat’s face on any other occasion, but realized that this wasn’t the time.

Kat shrugs unconvincingly. She thinks about the different ways Adena throws her off her game, and the aching she feels whenever she isn’t with Adena. She thinks about the way she froze when Adena’s hand was on her cheek earlier that morning, and confesses to herself that she wants to live in that exciting fear for as long as she can.

She looks up to Jane and Sutton’s waiting expression, and shrugs again, “I don’t know. Everything?” Kat shakes her head, opening and closing her mouth, unsure of what else to say. 

 

Adena is praying _Isha’a_ when her phone rings. She’s on her second to last _rakaat_ and she’s willing herself to stay focused despite the distracting sound. She finally finishes praying, quickly turns her head to each side greeting the angels on her shoulders and stands up, folding the corner of the prayer mat. She lets out a relieved sigh, happy that she’s managed to pray all five times today.

She’s about to reach for her phone to check the missed call when her doorbell rings. Adena’s not expecting anyone, but regardless she takes off the big scarf she uses when she prays, and throws on the button shirt and the thin white cotton scarf hanging by the door. She loosely tosses the end of the scarf over her shoulder, her hair peaking through.

She opens the heavy door of the apartment building to find Kat standing a few feet away.

“Kat?”

“I just called you, I wasn’t sure if you were home.” Kat says, looking down the street away from Adena, as if she had simply ended up here by chance. Adena gently closes the door behind her, stepping forward towards Kat.

“I heard the phone ring, but I was praying. Are you okay, Kat?”

“Yeah,” Kat says unconvincingly, and Adena simply lifts her eyebrow in response, challenging her to try harder. Kat takes a deep breath in, Adena watches as her chest rises and falls. “You know, I just wanted to see how you were and check in on you.” Kat’s eyes flicker up to Adena’s, “You know, after last night and all…”

Adena’s eyes soften and she wants to reach out to Kat, closing the space between them.

“You’re very sweet,” Adena says with a smile, “You want to come upstairs for some tea?” She motions towards the door with her head.

She sees Kat take another shaky and unsure breath in.

“Wait um…” Kat says, “Before that I need to tell you something.” Adena furrows her eyebrows, listening to Kat. “You know that class we’re supposed to be taking together next semester?”

Adena nods, whatever Adena thought Kat was going to say, it wasn’t that.

“I only registered for the class because you’re taking it.” Kat says in one breath. “I really missed you over the holidays and when you were away, and I asked what classes you were taking so I could register for one too.” Kat looks down at her feet bouncing a little before continuing.

“And I didn’t know how to tell you this over FaceTime, so I didn’t say anything. But I wanted to tell you this that very first time I FaceTimed you, and I probably should have told you last night…"  

She takes a shallow breath, glancing down at the floor again before meeting Adena’s eyes.

“You’re amazing,” Kat says shaking her head, her eyebrows creeping up, “And courageous, and thoughtful and honest. You’re the only person who has, you know, ever thrown me off my game.” 

“And I…” She pauses, “I think I really like you.”

 

Adena kisses her. She kisses her like she’s been waiting. She kisses her like she’s saying, “ _I think I really like you too.”_ She kisses her and it’s better than what Kat imagined, Adena’s lips are sweet and warm, and there’s a hint of cardamom.

 

*

“I almost combusted that very first time I saw without a headscarf on, and you were in that little black tank top” Kat says quietly, smoothing Adena’s hair back. Kat’s nerves have settled, and she’s at ease now.

They’re lying in bed with the covers thrown over them. Adena has been falling in and out of sleep, still trying to beat her jetlag, and Kat has been content simply lying there with her.

Their clothes were still strewn around the floor after coming upstairs.

Kat was nervous and tongue-tied after they had come up, but Adena coaxed her silently when the back of her legs met the bed.

“Can I?” She had asked with pink lips, and Kat had nodded silently.

 

Adena laughs and Kat feels her back vibrate, “Oh my god you sound like those men who beg for hair and ankle pictures.”

Kat leans down and nips the smooth skin of Adena’s neck with her teeth before soothing it with a kiss.

“Basically. Don’t get me wrong, I always found you stunning. Remember that red dress and silver scarf you wore to Thanksgiving?” Kat asks before leaving open-mouthed kisses along Adena’s back. Adena’s eyes are closed and she hums in response.

“You looked so fucking _hot_ in that dress,” Kat makes her way back to Adena’s ear, “I had a sex dream about you that night.” Kat is surprised by her own sudden confidence, but the way Adena smiles lets Kat know she’s doing something right.

Adena lifts her head up and opens her eyes, “Get out of here, you did not!”

Kat nods her head, continuing her path up and down Adena’s back. She hums in reply, “Yes, I did.”

“Oh yeah?” Adena says, resting her head back down on the pillow, “Prove it.”

Kat flips her around playfully so she’s laying on her back, “My pleasure.”

*

 

They fall into a comfortable pattern. Kat spends half the week at Adena’s place. Her things now occupying a corner of Adena’s room. They spend their Wednesdays together, the only off day they share.

It’s a Sunday night and they’re lying in bed, warm and satiated, Kat’s laptop is on the bed and their watching a movie. Adena’s _adhan_ app goes off, and a long melodic “ _Allah hu akbar_ ” is heard from across the room where her phone is charging. Kat quickly pauses the movie.

“Go pray, I’ve been waiting to get some snacks anyway.” Kat says with a smile and she goes to the kitchen. Adena lies there for a moment, her heart feeling full. The simple gesture of pausing the movie stills her for a moment. Kat was always supportive of Adena, in everything she did, but she was always understanding and curious about her faith.

 

Kat asks questions gingerly, always wanting to learn more. “But what happens if you’re ill or something, would you be excused from fasting?” “Did you pray with your family at home?” “What do you say when you pray?” She listens to the answers with a wrinkle of concentration between her brows. The little wrinkle that Adena falls more and more in love with each time it appears.

Those are the bigger questions Kat has. There are also the small things that she learns to accommodate to. Kat grows accustomed to the trail of bobby and safety pins that Adena leaves in her wake. She remembers to always have a clean big towel or blanket in her linen closet in case Adena needs to pray at her house. She watched curiously as Adena pulls up a special compass on her phone to tell her which way to face when praying the first time she prayed at her place. She learns that Adena has an abundance of scarfs.

“I’ve never seen you wear this one,” Kat says day as they’re getting ready to go out shopping, holding a floral patterned scarf in her hand. She’s going through Adena’s sock drawer looking for a clean pair to wear.

“Which one? Oh, yeah. Someone gave me that, I just haven’t gotten around to wearing it yet.” Adena says, tying her hair up in front of the vanity mirror.

“You have so many scarfs, babe,” Kat observes, shutting the drawer. 

“There’s a system,” Adena says, smoothing the black scarf out before putting it over her hair, “There are my everyday ones, then the nice ones, the lighter ones for summer, the heavier ones for winter. My nice ones for going places, then the solid ones, the patterned ones…” She says, quickly sticking a bobby pin between her teeth.

Adena watches as Kat nods to herself and folds the scarf up carefully. Adena is always surprised about the little differences between them. “Them” being Americans, and people of color. Muslims. Iranians. Adena knows that many of these overlap, and that Kat is not white, but still the nuances always amaze her.

 

She remembers being on a date with Kat, months ago, in a Greek restaurant in Queens. There were two Pakistani women sitting at the table next to them, and they were arguing over who was going to pay the bill. The bill remained face down as one woman clamped her hand over it. Adena’s heart quickened a little and she smiled to herself. Kat was in the middle of saying something, but she realized Adena wasn’t listening.

“What’s happening?” Kat asked, following Adena’s gaze to the ladies next to them.

“They’re fighting over the bill,” Adena said smiling, “I feel like I’m home.”

A few minutes later the women stand up to put their coats on, still arguing. Adena interrupts them.

“I have an idea for you guys,” She says, “Which one of you won?” The shorter woman with glowing brown skin and a nose ring raises her hand triumphantly.

Her taller woman pouts, “It’s not fair though, she did it last time!”

Adena laughs, “Well now you get to take her out for dessert to even it out.”

The girl with the check in her hand points to Adena, “You see, thank you! C’mon Amna it’s not a big deal.”

Kat watches the interaction, amazed how something like paying for the bill has suddenly bonded Adena to these strangers. The other girls eventually leave, after exchanging numbers with Adena.

“They were so sweet,” Adena says turning back to Kat.

She nods in response, “I did not understand that interaction, but yeah they were very sweet.”

Adena simply shrugs, she also learns that some things cannot be explained. She realized that Americans have a much different relationship to money. How does she tell Kat that money is more than simply money, but it shows how much you care for the person? She decides she’ll tell Kat about it another time.

 

She also loves the way Kat opens up when it’s her turn to educate Adena. Her eyes light up, her eyebrows creep up her face, and the apples of her cheek firm.

Kat ended up swapping out of the Queer Voices class before the semester starts, but she asks Adena what she’s reading and what she thinks about it. She even reads some of the class material herself. Adena learns more about the Stonewall Riots and Marsha P. Johnson, and Kat realizes how uniquely American it is. Adena confesses that even though she’s learning a lot she feels far from it all.  

Adena still likes to tease her about the class sometimes. One time they’re trying to decide on what movie to watch and Kat points out that they should watch it for the actress.

“Let’s watch that! Angelina Jolie is in it, I love her,” Kat says, pointing to the screen as Adena is scrolling.

“Oh yeah, enough to take a class for her?” Adena says without hesitation. She laughs when she sees Kat’s cheeks reddening.

Soon the story becomes funny for Kat too. It’s the story they tell people when they ask how they met. Adena dramatically rolls her eyes and says, “Well Kat just liked me so much and decided to follow me through college and registered for another class just because I was in it.” 

Kat usually shrugs and says, “Can you blame me?” Which makes Adena’s heart flutter each time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salaam joonam, saffare khoobi baret mekham. Joone dile madar khud astee Adena joon, kheili doostet daram, ashegetam azizam. Man azet kheili iftekhar daraam, wa hamesha tu fikre man asti jaane madar khud. Maraqibe khud basheed wa zang bezaan ke rasedi, khuda hafiz bache joon.  
> =  
> Hi dear, I hope you have a good trip. You are your mother’s heart Adena dear, I love you so much, I’m in love with you sweetheart. I’m very proud of you, and I’m always thinking of you, you’re your mother’s life. Take care of yourself, and call when you land, goodbye dear. 
> 
> Alo maman? Bale, are chand saat pesh raseedum, bebakhsheed baret zang nazadum.  
> =  
> Yes mom? Yeah, I landed a few hours ago, sorry for not calling. 
> 
> “Maman, baret sabah zang mezanum, hanuzam mehman daram. Nay, yak doostam barayam gheza awurd. Bale, kheili mehraban ast.”  
> =  
> Mom, I’ll call you tomorrow, I still have a guest over. No, a friend of mine brought food over. Yes, she’s very nice. 
> 
> Yallah = come on  
> Afareen = well done/good job  
> Salah = prayer  
> Merci, joonam = thank you, dear  
> Isha’a = fifth prayer of the day  
> Rakaat = a unit of prayer, or a series of movements people do when praying  
> Adhan = call to prayer


	4. می دونستم تو عزیزم قدر عشقو می دونی

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adena and Kat go to a wedding together.

Adena is FaceTiming with her sister Sara and Kat is sat on the other end of the sofa, looking up different Airbnbs in Paris for the vacation they’re planning. Kat is sitting cross-legged, in one of Adena’s old t-shirts with her hair wrapped up and she’s nodding her head along to the music playing loudly through her headphones. Adena is leaning against the arm of the couch, with her legs stretched out, toes nearly touching Kat’s thigh.

“ _Kho, peshaket chetor ast?”_ Sara asks with a grin. Adena laughs and looks over at Kat who can’t hear her. Sara’s taken to calling Kat _peshak,_ the word for cat in Farsi. Adena thinks it’s hilarious, mostly because it never occurred to her before. She doesn’t tell Kat about it so she and Sara can continue talking about her in front of her, it’s not the nicest thing, but it’s one of the many perks that speaking more than one language has. 

“ _Khoob ast, mekhayem Paris berim,”_ She tells her sister. She tells Sara how Kat’s never left the country before and she feels herself a little nervous about going with Kat. She remembers her first vacation with her friends, how overwhelming it was. She got into a huge fight with her friend Ava, and even distanced herself from Shireen. 

“Oh! That would be nice for you guys!” Sara says, they chat about the different places in Paris Adena should show Kat.

Finally Sara asks, “Are you going to take her to Nasrin’s wedding?”

Adena glances over at Kat again, making sure she’s still busy.

“I was going to ask you about that, what do you think? I mean I would love to and I have the plus one, but you know…” Adena gives a little shrug, hoping her sister will understand her without so many words. How does she bring Kat to her cousin’s huge Persian wedding and not have to answer everyone’s questions? How does she tell them that this is Kat, the woman she’s almost certain she’s in love with?

Sara gives her a small shrug, “I think it’ll be fine if you take her, everyone is so busy worrying about themselves during weddings, you know that.”

 

 

It happens accidentally really. The two of them are at Bloomingdale’s, Kat is trying to find something for Sutton’s birthday, a very exclusive belt that she’s hinted at for weeks now.

Adena lazily looks through the gown section, Nasrin’s wedding in the back of her mind. She comes across a green gown, and it’s perfect. It’s sequined and it has long sleeves, and Adena stands in front of a mirror admiring it, already thinking of what scarf to wear along with it.

“Woah, that would be gorgeous on you,” Kat says, appearing behind Adena. She rests her chin on Adena’s shoulder. “Very Angelina Jolie at the 2011 Golden Globes,” She adds.

“Well now I’m definitely going to try it on,” Adena says, turning her head to kiss Kat’s cheek, “I actually have to go to my cousin’s wedding in a few weeks, and I was wondering if you’d like to go with me?” Adena says, turning to face Kat.

Kat stands up straight and raises her eyebrows, and she cracks a shy grin, “What do you want me to say?" 

Adena looks up at Kat through the mirror, “Yes, obviously.”

Kat nods her head, her smile growing bigger, “Okay good, of course I’ll come.”

 

  

“Adena’s gonna meet us here right?” Sutton asks as she slides into their booth. 

“Yeah, her yoga class is finishing right now, she said not to wait for her though,” Kat says as she sits across from her and Jane.

“I should start doing yoga,” Sutton says as she skims through the menu, “Oh my god, mac and cheese pancakes? Yeah, never mind that.”

“Wait, I wanted to say something before she got here,” Kat says, turning towards the door to make sure Adena didn’t walk in.

Jane looks at her with concern, “Is everything okay?”

Kat shakes her head, “Everything’s fine, I just wanted to bring it up before she got here. I’m going to Adena’s cousin’s wedding in a few weeks.” 

“Awww, Kat,” Sutton finally looks up from the menu, “This is kinda major, you’re gonna meet her family.”

“Well, it’s her extended family,” Kat shrugs, “But yeah.” She looks at Jane and Sutton’s expecting faces, “I don’t know, what if it doesn’t go well? I just want to impress her.”

“She wouldn’t have asked you if you guys weren’t ready for it, Kat,” Jane says. Sutton nods her head in agreement.

“Plus, you guys are so mad about each other, you don’t have to worry about impressing her,” Sutton says, “And on that note, she just walked in.”

  

 

They rent a car to drive to the wedding. It’s April and the air is fresh. Kat is driving the small Toyota farther and farther away from the city. Their gowns are lying across the backseat of the car, and their bag full of make-up, hair products, shoes and back up shoes sits behind Adena’s passenger seat. Alabama Shakes play in the background; it’s one of the few bands they both love. 

Adena fiddles with her phone in her lap, she tries to remember if there’s anything she needs to prepare Kat for. She’s not worried about Kat feeling uncomfortable or anything, she doesn’t want her to feel overwhelmed. Persians are known for their hospitality if not nothing else, but still her nerves sit at the bottom of her stomach. Almost as if Kat can read her thoughts, she looks over at her and flashes a big smile.

“I’m really excited for this,” Kat says. Adena reaches her hand out and Kat grabs hold, squeezing lightly. She spends the rest of the drive preparing Kat for what to expect.

“There’ll be a line of family members when you walk in, those are all the bride’s family members. Don’t surprised if we don’t eat until like 11 o’clock. Also, be prepared for lots of little children running around the place.” 

Kat gives Adena an easy smile, “Baby, it’s gonna be fine.” Adena nods, trying to reciprocate Kat’s smile, wanting to believe her.

 

 

They get ready in one of the rooms Adena’s family has rented for the day. They work mostly in a comfortable silence aside from the new Drake album playing in the background from Kat’s phone. Kat watches keenly as Adena applies her eyeliner with precision. She eyes trace the outline of her body in the green sparkling dress. And once again Kat’s left wondering how something that reveals no skin can still be so stunningly _hot._

Adena catches her eye, “What?” She asks smiling.

“Nothing,” Kat says, “You’re just so unbelievably gorgeous, I kinda can’t even believe I’m with you.” Kat’s surprised at her own candid confession. Adena’s face tells her that she’s surprised as well. Kat stands there, playing with the neckline of her dress, feeling exposed.

Adena turns around, leaning against the vanity.

“Do you remember when we had to do that project for class? And we worked on it in the library together?” Adena asks. Whatever Kat thought Adena was going to say, it surely wasn’t that.

“Yeah,” Kat answers in confusion. Adena puts down the tube of eyeliner still in her hand, and takes a seat on the bed.

“Remember I prayed at one point?” Kat nods, remembering the moment clearly. “You watched me the whole time,” Adena says with a small smile. “I remember watching you watch me out of the corner of my eye, and at first I was a little nervous, you know? I didn’t know you all that well back then. But, I noticed the way you were watching me…” Adena thinks for a second before continuing. 

“You were looking at me the way people look at art in museums,” Adena says finally. “That’s when I knew I wanted you, in any way possible. If that meant just being your friend, then I was happy with just that.”

Adena shrugs her shoulders, and Kat reaches her on the bed, standing between her legs.

“But, by some miracle,” Adena continues, reaching up for Kat’s face and pulling her down, “You liked me.” 

Kat kisses her, and it’s soft and reassuring.

“Thank you,” Kat whispers between kisses, and Adena’s too distracted to ask her why she’s being thanked. Adena loves kissing Kat, even when they’re not using words to communicate with each other, their bodies still know what to do. Adena knows that she could give in to this very quickly, and be yet another hour late to the wedding.

“ _Khosgel khanoom_ ,” Adena says gently between kisses, “We have to go downstairs now.”

Kat ignores her, and instead starts kissing her neck and suddenly Adena regrets telling Kat how much she loves it when Kat does that. She closes her eyes for a few seconds, allowing herself to relax against Kat. She’s upset that they’re already dressed and ready to go downstairs, Adena can’t bring herself to take her dress and spanx off right now, no matter how much she would like to.

“Baby,” Adena tries again, “C’mon we have to go.” Kat gives her one last kiss before standing up.

“We’re gonna have to redo our lipstick,” Kat says giggling. Kat uses the bathroom mirror while Adena uses the vanity to put her last touches on. She smiles at herself in the brightly lit bathroom, feeling better about walking into a room full of Adena’s family members.

  

 

Adena tries to check on Kat every few minutes, despite the fact that they spend most of the night sitting together. She glances, trying to read her face, making sure Kat doesn’t feel completely out of her element. Most of the time Kat is smiling or nodding her head along with the music, or at least trying to. There are moments when Adena wants to reach over and touch Kat, but she feels self conscious in front of everyone. The two of them are sitting at a table with some of Adena’s extended cousins, all of them around the same age. Adena doesn’t want to give anyone a reason to gossip about them.

When it’s time for dinner Adena stands in front of Kat on the buffet line, explaining the dishes as they slowly move through.

“I’ve had this before, right?” Kat asks as Adena serves her a spoonful of _bademjan_ over her rice, “This is the eggplant stew?” 

“Yeah, that’s right, you like it. I made it a few weeks ago when you found eggplant at the farmer’s market.” Adena says nodding, hoping it doesn’t have many sour grapes, a taste Kat is still getting used to.

 

  

_“Adena joon, madaretshoon khub astaan?”_ Later an older lady, whose name escapes Adena is suddenly sitting at her side, and is asking about Adena’s family. Adena smiles and nods, and engages with her to not be rude. She can’t let people know that she’s secretly worried about the whole night.

_“Arre, khala joon, kheili khuban, merci…”_ Adena says kindly, wracking her brain for this woman’s name. She’s half listening to her, and half aware of Kat talking to a cousin of hers. She hears Ahmad’s deep voice and knows what must be happening. Adena wonders to herself if she’ll ever be able to come to a family wedding like this, and be able to show Kat off. Have everyone know that they’re together simply by the way they walk in.

Part of Adena feels at home, in a crowd of warm Persians, speaking the language she’s most comfortable in, the music loud and not stopping anytime soon. The other part of her feels incredibly self aware of Kat sitting next to her. She silently prays nobody does anything embarrassing so she doesn’t have to explain it to Kat. She hopes Kat liked the food, and everyone is nice to her.   
  
Adena doesn’t believe that you can truly know anyone. People are so multifaceted that it’s impossible to know every facet. Her own mother doesn’t know what she’s like in NYC rush hour, walking quickly through the crowds trying not to touch anyone. Kat doesn’t know what’s she’s like when she’s in the mosque praying during Friday prayer.   
  
But bringing Kat to this wedding is the closest she’s ever been to allowing anyone to see the most parts of herself. She wonders if she’s made a mistake.   
  
Suddenly she tries to imagine her and Kat having a huge Persian wedding. She tries to picture everyone sitting in one hall, her stoic gray haired father sitting in the same place as her eclectic group of friends. She pictures her cousins hitting on Sutton and Jane. She tries to think of the nikkah ceremony, but she can’t. She can’t imagine a mullah, her and Kat at the same table.   
  
At that very moment the song changes, and everyone cheers before getting up to join the dance floor. It’s an old pop song that everyone loves, the song gives her a sudden moment of bliss, making her forget what she was thinking about. Her cousin Shyla tries to grab her hands and drag her to dance, “ _Bia dega baba, baazi konem_!”   
  
Adena can’t fight the smile on her face and she allows herself to be dragged to the dance floor. She kindly excuses herself from the older woman before getting up, and turns to Kat, “I’m going to dance to this song!”

 

_“_ _Dokhtare irooni ke naz o delbari_

_in peyghame blackcats o goosh kon”_

 

It feels like everyone’s abandoned their seats for the song and Adena feels the apples of her cheeks tightening, she’s smiling without even realizing. The sound of sitar and drums are enough to cause everyone to move.

 

_“Ay megaam khanoom kuja, ay khanoom kuja kuja_

_Doostet daram ba khuda, doostet daram ba khuda,_

_Ay khanoom yavash yavash, ay khanoom yavash yavash”_

She’s singing along, dancing close to Shyla. This particular song is easy to dance to, everyone pretending to serenade the imaginary woman who’s evading the awestruck singer. She remembers dancing in her bedroom with Sara and Shireen one time, the song blasting from her laptop. Her dad had knocked on the door, causing all three girls to sit on the bed and lower the music, willing themselves to even out their breathing and trying not to break out into giggles.

_“Mebakhshin, tanha jaye namaaz ra kar dashtam”_ He grabbed the prayer rug from its usual spot on Adena’s chair before quickly leaving and telling the girls to continue with their fun. Adena is many years and many miles away from that moment, but dancing to the song gives her the same warmth.

She wants to pull Kat up from her chair, and dance with her. She wants to tell her what the silly pop lyrics mean. She wants to kiss her in front of everyone right now. The heavy truth settles in her stomach, even though she’s more than six thousand miles from home she still can’t do it. She can’t admit to this room of Persians that the girl she came with is the girl she wants to spend all her time with. She’s the girl who’s taught her how to be comfortable with herself, without even realizing. She’s the girl that actually saw her in a city of people trying to be seen. The last few months with Kat have been a dream, yet suddenly Adena has trouble seeing the future.

The music just becomes noise and she can’t dance anymore, and all she needs is to be alone right now. She doesn’t go to the bathroom, knowing she’ll walk in on girls taking pictures. Instead, she leaves the hall and goes out the front. She tries to steady her breathing, walking slowly without a plan. She finds two valet workers sitting around and smoking cigarettes.

“Any chance I can have one?” She asks the men, miming a cigarette. The younger man reaches into his pocket and hands her one wordlessly, along with a lighter. The mean realize she’s not up for a conversation, as these interactions usually include. Instead the older man points to the back, “There’s a smoking area over in the back if you want.” 

“Thank you, guys” She says as she takes his suggestion. Adena finds herself in a small empty garden. She grabs an ashtray off the small table and sits down on a bench. She imagines the garden must be packed during the summer with people enjoying the weather, but right now she’s thankful for the cool April breeze that’s keeping everyone in. She smokes quietly for a few minutes. She feels like apologizing to Kat, apologizing for bringing her in the first place. She takes the last pull of the cigarette that she already regrets, and crushes it in dusty ashtray.

It would be easy if there were hate in her heart. If she hated her mother and father, and never wanted to see Sara and Ali again. If she never wanted to hear her father’s deep laugh, and feel her mother’s hand on her cheek. If she never wanted to hear her brother playing his guitar in the backyard after tea, or complain about her sister stealing her clothes.

It would be so much easier if she didn’t believe that everything  _must_  happen for a reason, otherwise why would Allah choose to tear her away from her home. It would be easier if she didn’t believe that Allah listens to you when you speak to him five times a day. It would be so much easier if she could simply ignore the very things that molded her. 

She greets her neighbors and bodega owners with the same love that she greets her friends because that’s what Islam teaches her. She keeps spare change and cash at the bottom of her bags because Islam teaches her to give back. She knows that the world is an ugly place, but there is always enough beauty that makes her want to stay for a long time. She knows that there _has_ to be something bigger than herself.

But she knows she can’t do it. She can’t ignore the sun and dirt that first encouraged her to blossom, for the sake of love. 

She hears someone coming through the garden, pebbles shifting under their feet.

  

“There you are, I looked all over for you,” Kat says as she takes a seat on the bench beside Adena. Kat looks happy, and Adena wonders if it’s sincere, or if it’s for her sake.

“Hey, what’s wrong, babe?” Adena purses her lips, and takes in Kat’s concerned face.

Adena takes in a deep breath, not usually one to shy away from conversation, but this time she wishes they were anywhere else, doing anything else. She shakes her head slightly.

“I don’t know, I just felt a little overwhelmed by everything, and I got a little nostalgic over that song and miss my family.” She hadn’t realized it until she said it out loud, but it was true. She thinks about her family, the huge affair it was to get all of them out of the house to get the wedding at a reasonable time.

“I wish you could meet them,” Adena says quietly. Kat takes Adena’s hand and leans back, their shoulders touching.

“I will, babe. One day.” Kat says optimistically.

It’s right then where Adena feels guilty for ever thinking that Kat won’t be her future. She thinks of Kat leaving her cushioned life in Connecticut, not knowing what she wants to do with her career, probably still coming to terms with her sexuality, and Adena feels guilty for not thinking of her. She feels guilty for not realizing that Kat is growing up with her, and trying to make sense of the world right alongside of her. Kat may not have had the morality police or the Islamic Republic preventing her from living her life, but Kat has had to carve her place in the world too. It’s the guilt that makes Adena confess.

“It’s just that…” She starts, wanting to pick her words carefully, to not hurt either of them. “I have no idea what the rest of my life will look like, Kat. You know, I spent most of my life accepting that my future will look like that,” Adena says, nodding towards the door.

“Me, settling with a man because I couldn’t fathom anything else,” She says slowly and deliberately, “This is the first time in my life where I want my life to look different.”

Kat looks at her intently, giving her a small smile to let her know she’s listening.

“This is the first time where someone is choosing to be with me every single day, and I’m doing the same for them,” Adena continues, reaching to hold Kat’s hand. 

“And, I don’t know what my life will look like in the future, I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’ll be in ten years time, or even five years,” She says honestly, “But. I do wish, from the bottom of my heart, that I’ll still be with you.”

For the second time that day Kat answers her with a kiss. This kiss is different, it says what words can’t. It says, thank you. I’m here. I want you, I want you, I want you.

Four weeks later they’re in the terminal at JFK, waiting to board their late night flight to Paris. Kat goes to pick them up cheese fries and shakes from Shake Shack, Adena’s guilty pleasure. She’s carrying the bag of food back to where Adena is sitting with their bags, and takes a second to give in to the giddy feeling in her throat.

Kat basks in the moment, walking back to her _girlfriend_ , while they wait for their flight to go to Paris. Kat thinks of her empty passport tucked in Adena’s bag alongside her worn one, with stamps and places that Adena doesn’t even remember anymore. Instead of thinking that her life has changed, Kat thinks that this is what she was destined for all along, it just took her a little while.

She hears Adena’s voice as she approaches their gate, she’s speaking to someone in Farsi. There’s a tall curly haired man with glasses standing in front of Adena, and Kat can tell from the tone of Adena’s voice that the conversation is pleasant.

Adena sees Kat coming and gives her a wave. Kat sets the bag of food on the seat next to Adena.

“Reza, this is the my girlfriend, Kat.” Adena says, as the man sticks his hand out to shake Kat’s hand. “Kat, this is Reza, he heard me speaking Farsi on the phone when I was talking to mom and came to chat.”

Kat nods, “It’s nice to meet you Reza, Adena has a talent for making friends everywhere she does to be honest.”

“Well, I’m very happy we met,” Reza says, Kat notices his accent is stronger than Adena’s, but follows the same melody.

“Are you also going to Paris?” Kat asks.

“Actually,” Adena says, looking at Reza for approval, “Reza is going to Istanbul to visit his boyfriend.” Suddenly realization dawns on Kat and she understands the look between Kat and Reza. She decides they probably need some more time to talk.

“That’s so wonderful!” Kat says, “We’re going to board soon so I’m gonna run to the restroom. 

Kat touches Adena’s elbow before encouraging them to eat the food before it goes cold. She walks in the direction of the bathroom and finds an empty chair to FaceTime Jane and Sutton.

They’re on the couch watching a movie and wish Kat a safe trip, along with a gentle reminder of what they want from Paris. She gets a text from Adena to let her know they’re boarding in five minutes. 

“Okay, I have to go guys, we’re about to board.”

 

Kat walks back a little faster this time, ready to spend the next week alone with Adena. She turns the corner to see Adena trying to carry both of their carry on bags.

“Mademoiselle, can I help you with your bags?” Kat comes up behind Adena, touching the small of her back. Adena laughs before handing Kat her bag.

“What was Reza saying?” Kat asks as they stand in line. Adena hums before answering.

“You know, he is the first Persian person I have met who is openly gay?” Adena says, “Other than myself.” Kat can see Adena still thinking. “It was just so strange, like I know that I’m going to be okay in life, but seeing him was so overwhelming,” She says softly.

Kat smiles and grabs Adena’s hand to give it a squeeze. There’s so much that Kat wants to say to Adena in that moment, and she feels it in the way her heart squeezes. She wants to say what’s been on her mind for weeks now, but she can’t even begin to articulate how Adena makes her feel like she’s finally woken up in the world, like everything has been leading her to Adena, how everything else seems unimportant compared to her.

“I also know I’m going to be okay because I have you.” Adena says simply, bringing the back of Kat’s hands to her lips, giving it a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kho, peshaket chetor ast? = Okay, how’s the cat?   
> Khoob ast, mekhayem Paris berim = She’s good, we want to go to Paris  
> Khosgel khanoom = Pretty lady  
> Adena joon, madaretshoon khub astaan? = Adena dear, is your mother and everyone well?  
> Arre, khala joon, kheili khuban, merci = Yes, auntie, they’re good thanks   
> Bia dega baba, baazi konem! = Come on baba, let’s dance!   
> Mebakhshin, tanha jaye namaaz ra kar dashtam = Excuse me girls, I just needed the prayer rug
> 
> The song referenced is another Black Cats song called “Jooneh Khodet” in case anyone is interested!

**Author's Note:**

> Wudu = ablution  
> Bastani = rose water and saffron ice cream  
> Roosari = headscarf  
> Merci joonam = thank you, my dear  
> sholeh zard = saffron rice pudding  
> shahzade = princess 
> 
> Side note: The article “Do Muslim Women Really Need Saving?” by Lila Abu-Lughod is a great anthropology article that’s worth a read!
> 
> Hiya, I’m also myoldfriend on Tumblr!


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